Fresh start

I’ve been horrible about blogging. Horrible about TTC. Horrible about taking care of myself. Honestly I just haven’t cared. I’ve lost hope. It was gone and what was the point as it wasn’t going to happen to us. Not exactly the best thinking when you’re supposed to be optimistic and you are bucking ridiculously dismal statistics on pregnancy. But that’s where I’ve been.

Now on to where I’m going.

Today I finally, FINALLY, put the last cycle behind me. Also known as the never ending cycle. I know it wasn’t that long especially for some but for me – an eternity. 42 days with odd symptoms and yet no baby. Spending every day of the holidays getting hopeful and then dashing that hope. Not exactly a jolly time.

But the clock struck 12. We crossed into 2013 and no freaking joke I started a new cycle. Just like that. I’m choosing to take it as a sign that my body is telling me come on, this is our year. Let’s make 2013 work.

So the plan as of now, cause you know I like plans, is to:

  • do WeightWatchers and try to lose as much as I can, as safely as I can, as quickly as I can, without stressing myself out. That last part is the biggest key. So far so good on that front.
  • choke down my cobbled together list of supplements that I’ve seen or heard might help online and from other TTC/IF people (DHEA, COQ10, B12 Complex, extra Folic Acid, Evening Primrose Oil, Royal Jelly and I’ve probably left a few out). Chime in if I’ve forgetton anything you have heard might help with ovulation/fertility/egg quality.
  • exercise (to help with the losing weight and as a stress reliever)
  • cut back majorly on animal sources of protein. I won’t ever likely go vegan and probably not even full on vegetarian, but I’ve seen enough recently that I want to try to cut out as much as I can because I believe it will help.
  • try to relax – this one is a toughie for me but I’m going to try to do a mani/pedi or massage at least every other week – ideally more and to block out a day a week to just chill at home and read or do a craft project or something.
  • Get back into treatment. One more month off and then we’re trying again. I’m going to do my darndest to do as many rounds as it takes/am able to this year.

So that’s the plan. Fingers crossed it really is our year. Happy 2013!

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Lost

Somewhere along this shitty journey I lost myself. I can still fake it. The people around me seem to think all is fine. And that makes me sad that no one seems to notice that the real me is drowning. M knows a bit but doesn’t know what to do. That makes two of us. I wish I could figure out how to stop this pain. Nothing works for more than a few minutes and fighting not to drown is exhausting. I wish I knew what to do.

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Don’t ignore infertility

For National Infertility Awareness Week I was inspired by the don’t ignore infertility theme. I decided to not only share with family and friends but also with the moms blog I run for work. My post originally appeared on that blog.

I’ve shared it here too.

Taking the veil of secrecy off infertility

I’ve been debating for 15 months whether to say anything.

That’s how long my husband and I have been trying to have a baby. Trying unsuccessfully I might add. I never dreamed having a baby would be hard. I figured the trying not to have a baby was harder than actually trying to get pregnant. After all you just stop preventing and bam you’re pregnant, right? But in reality one in eight couples experience infertility.

And we’re the one in eight.

I don’t write this as a woe is me pity party. In fact I’ve held off writing it for 15 months because I didn’t want to be perceived as that and because having trouble getting pregnant is something that people rarely ever talk about. There is hope each month that this one will be the ONE. That and some days it’s just easier that not everyone knows what’s going on. We’ve had a pretty strict don’t ask don’t tell policy with those closest to us regarding our efforts to have a baby, meaning if you’ve asked me directly in the last 15 months you’ve gotten the truth (and probably more than you wanted to hear), but if you haven’t asked me directly then I haven’t brought it up.

That policy has been both a blessing and a curse because we’ve endured stinging questions of “when are you going to finally try for a baby” (keeping in mind we’ve been married less than three years) or “do you have a plan for when you’ll have a baby?” I admit the latter one is my favorite. It just takes all my self control not to sarcastically answer, “Yep, the plan was for our baby to be here last fall. You can tell how well that worked out.” Instead, if I don’t know you that well, you typically get a “hey, we’re still newlyweds” shrug or something like that.

I can’t fault people for asking though personally other than my nearest and dearest friends and family I’ve never asked that question because you never know what someone is going though.

I admit it. I fell for the fairy tale hook, line and sinker. We eagerly decided to start trying and I envisioned romantic evenings, candles and sweet conversations with my husband. I pictured shortly telling friends and family that we were blessed and it happened right away without even trying. You know, all those things depicted in TV shows and movies?

Instead what I’ve come to realize is that for those few lucky ones that might be what it’s like.  Or maybe it’s just an urban legend. But the reality isn’t that for most. For most it’s yet another thing in life you have to work for. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s definitely worth the effort. Actually I can think of nothing more fitting to have to work for. But at the same time, I personally have experienced nothing more heartbreaking than a negative pregnancy test when I desperately want to be a Mom. And I have experienced nothing more daunting than putting that negative test in the trash as my vision blurrs with tears and trying to affix a smile and a positive attitude to try again. Don’t even get me started on the pain of having to speak out loud the words to my husband that it’s been another failed month.

I’ve been amazed how many friends have come out of the woodwork at a hint of what I’ve been facing and shared their stories. I am truly grateful that they shared their struggles and real world tips. Without them I’d be so lost on this journey it wouldn’t even be funny. I’ve also found a wonderful community online of women going through the same that is a great resource and strength. What has me telling my story today is thinking of someone who doesn’t have that network of amazing friends who have a glimpse into what this is like or to lean on through this journey.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. For someone who likes to control and plan everything that’s extremely hard to cope with. But if it were any other medical condition I’d be looping in my friends and family so why not with this one? It’s time to take the veil of secrecy off of infertility.

After all, I’m not alone. I’m one of an estimated 7.3 million people in the U.S. struggling with infertility.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. For more information on infertility, visit www.resolve.org or www.TexasHealth.org/Moms.

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IUI 1 and picking up the pieces

So IUI 1 was a big failure.

I had hope. I thought this was it. It wasn’t. And now I don’t know how to pick up the pieces. All week I’ve been going through the motions. All week I’ve been trying to find peace with it. All week I’ve been alternating bursting into tears, staring into space lost and attempting to fill the void of yet another month of failure.

We leave on vacation this week. It’s a consolation prize. I’m trying to get excited but it is a consolation prize. Hopefully while there I can relax and find some peace and a way to try again. And hopefully after the vacation I can get my side business selling Stella & Dot going again because we have already exhausted our FSA so any future attempts we have to come up with cash directly. So now all my commissions will be going toward our infertility fund.

After all I don’t have a choice but to keep trying despite the pain. I have to find a way to try again and find hope.

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Crushed

It’s been ages since I’ve blogged. The main reason for not writing is that I feel like it’s the same stuff different day. Still cautiously hopeful. Still waiting for any signs of success. Still desperately wanting to be a mom. Still inundated with babies everywhere but in my personal life. Still no pregnancy. And who wants to read that?

I walked into the RE hopeful this morning that a follicle or two might be mature. It’s CD 15 and on CD 11 there was a 10 mm follicle that looked promising. My blood pressure was even normal when I checked in – a first for that office I believe.

Sides note: Am I the only one that finds the sonos incredibly painful? She jams it around and I’m still in pain 90 minutes or so later. I don’t know if that’s normal or not.

Anyway, painful scan shows no follicles are mature. Biggest is at 12. Basically she said this is bad news. They took blood to see but the nurse seemed rather unhopeful. So I left with them saying with sad faces that they’ll call this afternoon with the results.

I walk out the door and am walking to my car to move it and I check my work email and there is a baby announcement. A baby announcement from my colleague who had her first child 17 months ago. So 17 months and two babies. We’ve been trying for 14 months and no babies. This of course has sent me into a major tailspin.

Is the universe trying to tell me something? Does my body hate me this much? This is all I’ve ever wanted am I seriously not going to be able to have a baby? In short I’m crushed and not sure how to pick myself up and continue on. Sorry to end on a down note but I don’t have anywhere else to end. At this point it ends in failure I guess.

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Power of IF

As I was laying there doing my usual positive thinking at acupuncture today I had an epiphany of sorts.

Somewhere between the thoughts of “you can get pregnant” and “I trust my body to nourish and carry a child” the word infertility came to mind. I initially tried to push it away but for some reason when I did the shortened version -IF- came to mind.

How fitting that we shorten infertility to IF. After all what is infertility if not a long series of ifs?

If only I’d met my husband sooner when I was young…

If I weighed less I’d be pregnant…

If I ate better I’d be pregnant…

If we’d started trying immediately after we got married we’d have a baby now…

If I didn’t want it so bad we’d be pregnant…

If I were a crackhead/drunk/teenager/person with no career, direction, home, or husband I’d get pregnant easily…

If we’d done it one more time last month maybe I’d be pregnant…

I could go on and on and on with all my ifs and if onlys. But really where does it get me other than stressed out? Oh, another good if – if only I were less stressed we’d have a kid by now.

I’m trying not to put a lot of expectations on this cycle. It’s our last on just the Metformin before we step back into the realm of fertility drugs, monitoring and testing. But I am going to try to limit my ifs. I can honestly say I’m doing the best I can in this situation. I’m not perfect and I am never going to be perfect. Could I do more? Probably. But I’m doing the best I can and that is going to have to be good enough. We have lost so much innocence and optimism in this TTC journey I don’t want to waste any more times on ifs.

Any tips on how you banished the ifs from your thinking?

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A long year

I’ve been remiss about the blog yet again, but in my defense it’s been a crazy couple of weeks.

For starters we passed the one year mark of TTC and all that barrier means emotionally in this journey. Not gonna lie. I dreaded the day something fierce. I certainly had my ups and downs that day but I did better than I anticipated. I even held a newborn that day. Go figure. Ironically he gave me hope. I felt overwhelmingly like our kid was out there just not ready yet. Then that night M and I got a rare date. So I didn’t dwell and even had fun.

Then the next day I woke up absolutely convinced we should delay the Femara cycle until February. Don’t ask me why as I can not explain it but it felt and still feels so right. Who knows. I’ve learned there’s something for trusting your gut in this journey, which is what I’m doing. That same day M graduated and between that and his party it was a whirlwind. I’m so unbelievably proud of him there are no words. Then a few days later we headed home. I managed to not face any questions about when we were going to have kids. I even managed to have a conversation with my uncle about his grandchild-to-be without tears or stabbing anyone. I also held a newborn on Christmas Eve and didn’t cry not did I go off on my young cousin and his pregnant girlfriend for how unfair life is. I consider all of this huge wins. So I was buzzed most of the trip. A girl needs some vice.

And now we are home. Of course i immediately got sick derailing my workout goals, but i will catch up next week. I’ve tried to eliminate things that give me great stress -aka selfish SIL – and have even hidden her on Facebook and am rarely looking at her Twitter feed even. We got a positive ovulation test on CD 19 and have fingers and toes crossed we’ll have a September baby like apparently lots of other people. Did you know Sept. 16 is apparently the most common birthday? I didn’t until today.

Anyway, I think that brings things up to date. Will update more when 2011 is gone for good about our hopes for 2012.

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